. so how am i? .

So, I have not been here loyal enough to even bother. To not bother about telling people how I felt today, or just now while i was having my lunch break, or even about yesterday, when I felt I was gonna crumble again into pieces. I did not even bother about sharing my little moments, or little highlights in my day, my week, my month, or even at least - my year.


I like to hang upon my memories - to help me relive those moments and to help provide support and encouragement for me to go on. Really, was it so important for me to keep clinging onto my past? I used to blog and blog, till all the cows come home and yet, i did not feel any satisfaction. I felt more depressed. My emotions were so strong it took over me and gave me a soul i could feel and create. (the irony of being depressed)


Now, i'm soulless, still searching for that little puzzle that could help put me back together as a whole again. I chose to turn my emotions off and to be numb of all situations that could make me cry my heart out, laugh my tears out and screamed till i felt dizzy. None. I couldn't feel anything at all, because i chose to.


Lately, i've been attending this training where i thought "it's just another training to help me in my career and to lead me to where i want to go". But where do i really want to go? i did not even bother deciphering that thought. I left it there - "where i want to go". Where was my destination? Why do i want to go there? How am i getting there?


Wrong. i was so wrong. I was in for a huge surprise - a training which i simply could not understand at first. I got nervous and started to panic, realizing that i wasn't doing well at all. I questioned myself again and again - where did i go wrong? why couldn't i make it work? why am i so weak? I did not cry, i did not laugh, i did not feel anything but nervous energy sucking up and surrounding me in whole. I couldn't breathe at all. 


I felt like i could die just feeling like that - died as a nobody and lived a nobody's life. 


Was that what i wanted? NO.


I was more than that. I had the courage but chose not to use it. I had the capability but chose to shun it away, afraid that i would hurt myself in the learning process. I had the real me hidden inside. Who is the real me? I'm a selfish person who would not bother what people thought of me. I rather walk, eat and run alone than having to beg for a companion. I'm comfortable in seeing people coming and leaving my life. I don't like blending in for the sake of pleasing others. I will laugh till my tears roll down and will cry as if my life depended on it. I am who i am. 


Why did I choose to deny my true self throughout these years?  Because i was afraid of being judged and seen as weird person.Or perhaps to the extend of a crazy woman.*faints*


Another month to go for this training. Whether i do well or not, to me at the moment, did not matter. As long as i can tell myself and pat myself on the back - "you did great mel."

. 说不出的悲伤 .

那个书桌，我肯定不会拿走，就让它在哪儿度过一辈子吧。。那个书桌的回忆，太令人伤心。。

刻着的歌词，也属于4年前4月2日的痛。原来回忆是那么痛苦、难忘的。。
都不知流了多少夜的泪、喝了不知多少的酒~写下这些的时候，也刚是他离开我的第三个星期六。。不，是他背叛我的第三个星期六。。
 

这是你离开的第三个星期六
面包我吃了两口
啤酒还剩半升
香烟我还是一包接一包地抽
你搬走了以后
我还会常常在你住的公寓底下
等你下楼

现在是凌晨三点钟
喝了点酒头有点痛
寂寞的烟点燃空虚的夜
暂时把心放空
你晾的床单忘了收
没烫的衬衫有点皱
明天开始我将如何面对
没有你的以后

在家里还留着你的衣服和散不掉的熟悉味道。。。

那些美好的画面反复在播送
但心破碎了之后
要怎么去拼凑
baby baby
love can be so beautiful
只怪那一刻
话说得太重
所有的情节都失控
baby baby
love should be so beautiful
你给的太多
现在我才懂
只有烟和酒陪伴的
凌晨三点钟 
 

对不起，是我给得太多。。是我让自己投入你所谓的幸福里。。我们，真的有幸福过吗？
 

现在是凌晨三点钟
喝了点酒头有点痛
你晾的床单忘了收
没烫的衬衫有点皱
明天开始我将如何面对
没有你的以后 
 

你的另一个她又开始向我炫耀你们的爱。。。sorry babe, i don't think i need to know.. you may keep it for yourself..

六个月后的那年。。你们俩把我当成垃圾桶~~就因为她终于要正式结婚了而他没了她。。
 

凌乱的房间里头
还留着你的香味
怎么也戒不掉你独特的笑容
如果时钟倒着走
我不会再让你走
有些事情要绝望到底
才能看得透

果然，好马不吃回头草。。但，我不是一匹好马。。。结果啊~~~现在伤了自己。。。
怎么收拾？

. Personal Online Data Portrait .

woot wooot~ =) my personal data portrait!

it's almoooost acurate! sports! =)

. when it's sudden .

It's a pretty good week at work and in life too..

Work is picking up~ There's ups and downs, oh well~ the usual stuff that goes on in the business of production houses.

Back to my point of finally posting a new post!

Why was it good this week then?

大猪called out of the blues. Just because he missed my voice. Thank God he called too! Otherwise I wouldn't be able to get hold of his number since I lost my bloody k770i.

OwWhH~ such a sweetie! The last ever Malaysian i met in Singapore before i came back to KL. Such sweet words, but as the chinese says, 口是心非. What do I really care about that? Just so happen that I was kinda in a bumped mood that day, he called. Made me feel rather lighter to hear a familiar voice.

Desmond messaged me on facebook. Despite of us not speaking to each other in awhile due to some arguements before i came back to KL. I suddenly told him I miss hanging out with him. Those sweet things, those gentlemen ways. The best is still his jokes which somehow encouraged me to stay on in Singapore at that time. Just before he went abruptly offline, he told me he missed those times too. *cloud 9~* woo hoo~ at least, im guessing he means it.

Well, if you've read my previous post, it took a drastic turn due to someone's mouth and existence. I used to blamed him for being the person who ruined our (D and me) close friendship; not anymore, i assume, since i realised, things happened for a reason. I can't blame anyone already. Pointless!

It's making me miss Singapore even more at times. The personal life, not working life, mind you!

Then again, looking on a brighter side...
Work is definitely getting more interesting and challenging for me nowadays. The challenge to get work done based on impossible deadlines, the challenge to do everything! haha~ that, somehow seems quite (!) familiar~

Been working on my other place in Sentul. It's a mess, a HUGE mess! And it's taking longer than usual. Gosh! But i guess it's gonna be pretty alright after im done with the place and when i move in! Let's just count the generations of spiders that has crawled through the space, and the generation of cockroaches that are currently roaming the place. *goose bumps!*

Oh, dear Adrian, no worries, i'm still madly in love with you. Don't ask me why~ it's something just so mysterious between us. =.=

7 years... *faints*

. selfishness .

i admit i am selfish. quite a selfish one, when it comes to sharing my boyfriend with others.

why is it that when you mentioned that place, you did not tell me you were going till after you bloody well paid the money?

i'm pissed. i'm angry. i feel left out. do you know how it feels when your girlfriend travels without you? have her own holiday without you? i guess you don't. because i invited you for every trip. how stupid can i be?

am i the kind of girlfriend where you can only show to your family and not friends or colleagues?

why the hell did i introduced my friends to you in the first place then?

i'm hard to please, i admit. i'm a bitch, i admit. i can't be without you, well, i fucking admit it. otherwise, i wouldn't be such a fool to come back to you..

no more trips with YOU. you can enjoy your holidays with your gang of colleagues; whom i've never seen before, nor you having the courtesy to even mention their names to me or even introduce them to me.

i ain't invisible. if you treat as i am that way, FINE! i will be invisible from you from now onwards.

sometimes, it makes me wonder, why the hell am i eating my own words now? of me telling myself, being with you will just hurt me one day or another.

i'm just so pissed at the moment. tell me how can i trust you when you lied to me so badly long time ago? how can i trust you when i can't even trust myself?

fuck it.

i'm bloody well gonna enjoy my trip my own.

i hate being without you.

i hate you when you never even have the courtesy to ask me if i wanted to join.

i'm fucking gonna be too freaking busy to even see you for the next few weeks.

enjoy your weekends with them.

i'm trying to not be bothered bout what you do anymore.

argh!

*pulls her hair~*

. back for now .

congratulations to me!

yes, i'm finally at this space of mine, which has been left unattended, for... almost 4 months now. shame on me! *sighz*

sort of went through a few posts of mine, which well, is still in the draft box. ain't sure if i'm gonna post it. somehow, some thoughts came to mind which kinda made me NOT want to post it, yet.

it's already April 2009, and for your information, I've been back in KL since December 2008. That's pretty fast. Had some adjustments made to my life, not as hectic nor as alcoholic as I used to be back in SingaLand. *thank GOd*

so, where am i? what am i doing? how am i doing?

needless to say, i'm grateful, for being able to get back into production line, which then, one of my second dream job. Not to say I'm in my dream job at the moment, just hoping, for that little sparkle or sign to drive me to that dream. There wouldn't be much to say, since i've just started since February... work's busy nontheless.

people around me are not too bad, i would say. learning things as i go and trying to capture every single experience i can get from this business. who knows, you would one fine day see my name at the credit of a movie, or my name up in CLIO's TVC awards. *drEamS on* then again, who knows?

everything's picking up fine for me since i came back. did i regret leaving singapore? i guess not, in a way. having to leave my work in singapore is good for my own sake and future's sake. the only part i miss the most are the friends that i've grown to know and love over there.

shall try to update more often. hope my thoughts aren't scattered around when i need to collect them properly.

till then~ ^^

. xmas memory .

Here it goes again...

X'mas carols singing through the atmosphere, x'mas gifts displayed.. waiting to be bought and to be given on that special day. Why am i the only one who looks as if xmas is a bad omen?

Once again i'm left with straying thoughts...

All but one vivid thought, one vivid memory.. What would have happened to us, if that thing never happened to you?

7 years ago.. we were happily on the phone, anticipating the time to meet each other in KL. And you, who did everything secretly for me all those times.

2 weeks before that Christmas, you promised me that you'll be in KL. Just to celebrate our first x'mas, just to tell me face to face, how and what you felt... I waited nervously, the first and last ever gift that i had to think more than twice before i got it for you..

7 days left before xmas.. how was i to know, that phone call from him, your best friend, telling me this news? It took you away from me forever, leaving a scar so deep and a pain that burned through my heart. How could you leave me without an answer? Why?

Too traumatized by the whole news, all i could hear in my ears, through the phone, was "internal bleeding, bled too much.." and the next minute, you left me.. forever. Tears, and more tears..

I will never forgive you, for leaving me alone... I will never forgive you, for not fulfilling your promise.

Where am i to go now? Who shall i give the gift to?

7 years has passed, that little unwrapped gift is still with me...

I miss you, my dear angel.. i just wished, i could see you one last time before you left me..

. a song .

Dear Mumu~
Once again, let me dedicate this song to you.. it might not be you, it might not be anyone.

Then again, let me just share this with you... just because, it reminds me of you, in some way...

Why am I missing you still?

纪念
想念变成一条线
在时间里面蔓延
长得可以把世界切成了两个面
他在春天那一边
你的秋天刚落叶 刚落叶
如果从此不见面
让你凭记忆想念
本来这段爱情可以记得很完美
他的样子已改变
有新伴侣的气味 的气味
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
也许那一次见面
是生命给你机会
了解爱只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望会改变
他的爱已经不见 已不见
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
那一瞬间 你终于发现
心中的爱和思念
都只是属于自己 曾经拥有过
曾经拥有过 曾经拥有过 的纪念

It's a week left for me here in this little island...

It's been 13 months since i stepped foot on this little place and sought for my dreams... and yet, I've achieved none.

感觉有点失败～

however, there were so many memories; a bitter sweet symphony i shall say..

Let me count the ways i've grown since I came here. I've learnt that working life isn't as easy as I thought, more or less, working and living alone in a foreign country. Though it may seem similiar to the city i've grown up for the past 22 years.. the culture, thoughts and life is definitely different. People here are more aware of your capability and they tend to be afraid of you, thus, there comes the ill-spoken words coming from them...

I've learnt to be more relaxed and discipline. Knowing what to do, and what not to do. I've become a more complex person in ways that I've never known. Shunning from all posible feelings that may lead me to depression.

This does sound bad... *laughs*

Since August 08, I've been drinking much more than i could imagine, compared to the past few years. Everyday since that month till now, alcohol has become my best friend and my sleeping pill. Why the sudden change in habit? I've no idea. Perhaps, I just enjoy the entertainment, the life I've never had, the freedom. Of course, having such free life definitely pays. Haha~ Lack of sleep!*grins*

当然，最令我伤心的事，仍然就是因为自己不小心把心打开了。。

Somehow, I could remember vividly still. He came up and just smiled. Someone I've never seen for all the months i've been working here.

The 6th floor guy, i shall name him. Perhaps, my angel?

One the first day - I realised that he actually notices me from before i changed my hairstyle. To be exact, since august till now...Too many sweet words, too much care and sincerity that he gave me the next day. It's weird, funny and yet to be remembered.

On the second day i saw him, some herbal tea and a pack of lozenges was all he gave me the next day, just to ease my cough, he said. That was nice of him. Should i open my heart a little?

On the third day - dinner. where did we go? just some usual fast food place... i remember him trying to hold my hands while we were just walking around.. a tingle in my heart and a sudden stop in my heartbeat. It's been awhile, I haven't had this feeling. Ah, what a feeling~

On the fourth day - how sweet of you, angel, to accompany me all the way there just to pass that thing to my friend. and to ignore calls from work. i think, perhaps, i might just open my heart a little more. i can see your sincerity...

On the fifth day - east coast park was fun. a refreshing time out... *grins to herself* I'm sorry, angel, to make you stay up till late just to accompany me. I know you're just too exhausted and furthermore, work on sunday...

And out of the sudden.. things took a 360 change. was it sincerity then? oh was it just a way to get me and throw me away? Like a used toy. I guess i'm starting to understand why i closed my heart in the first place.

i couldn't understand the coldness anymore. i couldn't fathom what is going through your mind. Oh god, just when i started to open my heart a little... things come crumbling, crushing the door and blocking my heart. Tears? No, there were none. I couldn't cry. I just couldn't.

Once again, i tried my very best to shut my heart. The doors didn't budge for those few days... I sat there, thinking and staring into thin air. Damnit!

Well, it's gonna be a short, painful memory to erase, somehow. It bugs me a little.

What shall I say to you, angel? I guess, all that can ever come out from me would be a short Thank You. For the sweet short memories, for the kindness you showed me once.

. blind date .

Let me see, an anonymous sms saying that Ray was too shy to ask me out. Fine, let's go out on Saturday night then, Ray, that anonymous fella (Kelvin) and me to St. James.

As expected, Ray is in MIA mode again. No biggie. To cancel the outing is fine with me, to proceed without Ray, it was fine with me too. *lolz* since i don't have people asking me out on Sat nights anywayz~ *grins*

kayz then, a blind date it was! gosh, nerve-wrecking and excited. what if he runs away when he sees me? what if i'm a disappointment during the first meet? what if i did not give a good impression? sighz~ gal oh gal! i'm just thinking too much~ hoho~

it was a good experience, knowing that this fella is a gentleman and it's hard not to notice how boyish looking he could be! *drools* oopz~ let me wipe the drool off!

dinner, or perhaps i should say, a light dinner at Barracks Diner, Dampsey Road.. one of his client's place. Love the menu they have there! Overall setting is not too bad, looks classy enough for me to not go there.. Well, i just can't afford such place! I guess? A glass of red wine in the restaurant and went to the outdoor seats for a smoke... And he claimed that i was growing a gold fish in my red wine. We talked a bit bout each others goals, life and dreams.. it was a good chat, though it gets a bit funny bout me sitting too far from him.. *grins*

Next stop? Sentosa! Cafe Del Mar at Siloso Beach! Heard it used to be one of the fav night spots in Singapore. But today, it was just.. dead? nonetheless, both of us were comfortably lying on those bed-sofa thingys.. looking up to the dark sky.. which were, just not having any blink of stars. only clouds were playing in the wind, changing shapes as the wind blew silently...

it was a good, relaxing blind date... never expected to give this sort of thing a try though..

imagine~ if we kissed? haha...

'nuff talk.. some stuff i took.. random pics, related to~ him! lolz lolz~

. permission .

oh~ permission bowl! wait, permission card! wonders, what am i permitted to do today?

ooh!!!! great great! thank you oh mighty bowl!

so now you know how i spent my entire Sunday!

so, you need one too? here you go~ thank you keri!

. Day of an Aquarian .

爱烟，爱酒和爱熬夜的水瓶座最近要稍微节制一点了，否则健康很可能被你毁掉。

Translation:
Aquarians who has the habit of smoking, drinking and burning the midnight oil needs to be more aware of their health.

Okay, point taken.

I don't believe, really, in horoscopes. But just today, I'm feeling that little truth.

Or, is it just a coincidence?

. big headed prawn .

busy busy day.

went for Raffles City (City Hall MRT) to find aunt for lunch and to pass her some stuff. crowded as usual, weekends! ended up at Food Junction and had Pepper Lunch... nasty food, compared to the branches.

rushed back home to prepare Dash for his visit to the vet. Gosh, it was a tough ride to and fro the vet. Dash is soooo not used to being in the carrier and in the cab that he kept struggling to get out of the carrier. And me, ended up with a scratch, 'souvenir' from Dash. =.=|| anyways, thank God it was just a tiny scratch!!

The Animal Doctors Pte Ltd. Located at Ang Mo Kio Ave 4. Great facility and friendly staff! Love the attention from Dr. Kathy and the receptionist! Well, the attention goes to Dash. Such a charming boy and yet mischievious! *sweats*

Well, what I learnt from Dr. Kathy was about his age. He's rougly 3.5 months - 4 months and is moggy of DSH (domestic short hair) + Oriental. Sharp features on the head. Healthy, healthy boy! Most important, he's so darn curious at everything! Weighing at 1.6kg. or was it pounds? Lolz! Got his deworming tablet and shall feed the other half of the table in 2 week's time. Got his first vaccination done. Everything done! Pricing is reasonable, with all the consultation and jab and tablet, came up to S$48.

Got back home and once again, Dash was struggling to get out of the carrier on the ride back home. Naughty fella! I'm sorry that mummy has to put you through this.. you'll get used to it! I promise! *snuggles up to Dash to tease him a bit!*

Changed his litter and food & water bowl, all fresh! And i'm ready to meet my aunt for a short shopping session at Far Eash Plaza, Orchard. Little did i realised, i locked my room door without remembering my house keys!

clever!!!! what a big headed prawn i am! =.=

cost me S$45 to get a locksmith to open my room door. gosh! better get a duplicate to be placed somewhere in the house. lesson learnt.

Dash isn't feeling that well after the visit from the vet. He's suddenly all so 'manja-ish' and purrs a lot. The normal side effect of the jab. Oh well, you'll be snuggling with mummy again tonight my dear! Not to mention, Dash kept disturbing me with his tail since he wasn't feeling well enough to crawl over me all night.

Sweet sweet Dash! ^^

Pictures of him being so still after the jab~ poor darling.... *muakz*

. marriage .

it's sometimes so sad to see wedded couples split.. especially when both are your friends.

*sighs*

it takes me into a darker side of my thoughts.. that marriage scares me and all these.

commitment.. trust, sincerity and care.

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live

lies? or a fall through of commitment. too many people around me ...

relationships falling apart.

where then has 'unconditional love' gone to? was there even such existence?

looking at some old couples I pass by. arms around each other. that beautiful smile or just a simple nod, shows much sincerity and love. so much envy filling inside of me.

which then i start to doubt myself and that future us.

if all sorrows and pain can be washed away from our memories by alcohol. i shall then embrace the love for alcohol and indulge in those moments.... never looking at sorrow and pain. what will life be then?

how i wish....and still know that life will never be the same...