. 说不出的悲伤 .

那个书桌，我肯定不会拿走，就让它在哪儿度过一辈子吧。。那个书桌的回忆，太令人伤心。。

刻着的歌词，也属于4年前4月2日的痛。原来回忆是那么痛苦、难忘的。。
都不知流了多少夜的泪、喝了不知多少的酒~写下这些的时候，也刚是他离开我的第三个星期六。。不，是他背叛我的第三个星期六。。
 

这是你离开的第三个星期六
面包我吃了两口
啤酒还剩半升
香烟我还是一包接一包地抽
你搬走了以后
我还会常常在你住的公寓底下
等你下楼

现在是凌晨三点钟
喝了点酒头有点痛
寂寞的烟点燃空虚的夜
暂时把心放空
你晾的床单忘了收
没烫的衬衫有点皱
明天开始我将如何面对
没有你的以后

在家里还留着你的衣服和散不掉的熟悉味道。。。

那些美好的画面反复在播送
但心破碎了之后
要怎么去拼凑
baby baby
love can be so beautiful
只怪那一刻
话说得太重
所有的情节都失控
baby baby
love should be so beautiful
你给的太多
现在我才懂
只有烟和酒陪伴的
凌晨三点钟 
 

对不起，是我给得太多。。是我让自己投入你所谓的幸福里。。我们，真的有幸福过吗？
 

现在是凌晨三点钟
喝了点酒头有点痛
你晾的床单忘了收
没烫的衬衫有点皱
明天开始我将如何面对
没有你的以后 
 

你的另一个她又开始向我炫耀你们的爱。。。sorry babe, i don't think i need to know.. you may keep it for yourself..

六个月后的那年。。你们俩把我当成垃圾桶~~就因为她终于要正式结婚了而他没了她。。
 

凌乱的房间里头
还留着你的香味
怎么也戒不掉你独特的笑容
如果时钟倒着走
我不会再让你走
有些事情要绝望到底
才能看得透

果然，好马不吃回头草。。但，我不是一匹好马。。。结果啊~~~现在伤了自己。。。
怎么收拾？

. when it's sudden .

It's a pretty good week at work and in life too..

Work is picking up~ There's ups and downs, oh well~ the usual stuff that goes on in the business of production houses.

Back to my point of finally posting a new post!

Why was it good this week then?

大猪called out of the blues. Just because he missed my voice. Thank God he called too! Otherwise I wouldn't be able to get hold of his number since I lost my bloody k770i.

OwWhH~ such a sweetie! The last ever Malaysian i met in Singapore before i came back to KL. Such sweet words, but as the chinese says, 口是心非. What do I really care about that? Just so happen that I was kinda in a bumped mood that day, he called. Made me feel rather lighter to hear a familiar voice.

Desmond messaged me on facebook. Despite of us not speaking to each other in awhile due to some arguements before i came back to KL. I suddenly told him I miss hanging out with him. Those sweet things, those gentlemen ways. The best is still his jokes which somehow encouraged me to stay on in Singapore at that time. Just before he went abruptly offline, he told me he missed those times too. *cloud 9~* woo hoo~ at least, im guessing he means it.

Well, if you've read my previous post, it took a drastic turn due to someone's mouth and existence. I used to blamed him for being the person who ruined our (D and me) close friendship; not anymore, i assume, since i realised, things happened for a reason. I can't blame anyone already. Pointless!

It's making me miss Singapore even more at times. The personal life, not working life, mind you!

Then again, looking on a brighter side...
Work is definitely getting more interesting and challenging for me nowadays. The challenge to get work done based on impossible deadlines, the challenge to do everything! haha~ that, somehow seems quite (!) familiar~

Been working on my other place in Sentul. It's a mess, a HUGE mess! And it's taking longer than usual. Gosh! But i guess it's gonna be pretty alright after im done with the place and when i move in! Let's just count the generations of spiders that has crawled through the space, and the generation of cockroaches that are currently roaming the place. *goose bumps!*

Oh, dear Adrian, no worries, i'm still madly in love with you. Don't ask me why~ it's something just so mysterious between us. =.=

7 years... *faints*

. xmas memory .

Here it goes again...

X'mas carols singing through the atmosphere, x'mas gifts displayed.. waiting to be bought and to be given on that special day. Why am i the only one who looks as if xmas is a bad omen?

Once again i'm left with straying thoughts...

All but one vivid thought, one vivid memory.. What would have happened to us, if that thing never happened to you?

7 years ago.. we were happily on the phone, anticipating the time to meet each other in KL. And you, who did everything secretly for me all those times.

2 weeks before that Christmas, you promised me that you'll be in KL. Just to celebrate our first x'mas, just to tell me face to face, how and what you felt... I waited nervously, the first and last ever gift that i had to think more than twice before i got it for you..

7 days left before xmas.. how was i to know, that phone call from him, your best friend, telling me this news? It took you away from me forever, leaving a scar so deep and a pain that burned through my heart. How could you leave me without an answer? Why?

Too traumatized by the whole news, all i could hear in my ears, through the phone, was "internal bleeding, bled too much.." and the next minute, you left me.. forever. Tears, and more tears..

I will never forgive you, for leaving me alone... I will never forgive you, for not fulfilling your promise.

Where am i to go now? Who shall i give the gift to?

7 years has passed, that little unwrapped gift is still with me...

I miss you, my dear angel.. i just wished, i could see you one last time before you left me..

. a song .

Dear Mumu~
Once again, let me dedicate this song to you.. it might not be you, it might not be anyone.

Then again, let me just share this with you... just because, it reminds me of you, in some way...

Why am I missing you still?

纪念
想念变成一条线
在时间里面蔓延
长得可以把世界切成了两个面
他在春天那一边
你的秋天刚落叶 刚落叶
如果从此不见面
让你凭记忆想念
本来这段爱情可以记得很完美
他的样子已改变
有新伴侣的气味 的气味
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
也许那一次见面
是生命给你机会
了解爱只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望会改变
他的爱已经不见 已不见
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
那一瞬间 你终于发现
心中的爱和思念
都只是属于自己 曾经拥有过
曾经拥有过 曾经拥有过 的纪念

It's a week left for me here in this little island...

It's been 13 months since i stepped foot on this little place and sought for my dreams... and yet, I've achieved none.

感觉有点失败～

however, there were so many memories; a bitter sweet symphony i shall say..

Let me count the ways i've grown since I came here. I've learnt that working life isn't as easy as I thought, more or less, working and living alone in a foreign country. Though it may seem similiar to the city i've grown up for the past 22 years.. the culture, thoughts and life is definitely different. People here are more aware of your capability and they tend to be afraid of you, thus, there comes the ill-spoken words coming from them...

I've learnt to be more relaxed and discipline. Knowing what to do, and what not to do. I've become a more complex person in ways that I've never known. Shunning from all posible feelings that may lead me to depression.

This does sound bad... *laughs*

Since August 08, I've been drinking much more than i could imagine, compared to the past few years. Everyday since that month till now, alcohol has become my best friend and my sleeping pill. Why the sudden change in habit? I've no idea. Perhaps, I just enjoy the entertainment, the life I've never had, the freedom. Of course, having such free life definitely pays. Haha~ Lack of sleep!*grins*

当然，最令我伤心的事，仍然就是因为自己不小心把心打开了。。

Somehow, I could remember vividly still. He came up and just smiled. Someone I've never seen for all the months i've been working here.

The 6th floor guy, i shall name him. Perhaps, my angel?

One the first day - I realised that he actually notices me from before i changed my hairstyle. To be exact, since august till now...Too many sweet words, too much care and sincerity that he gave me the next day. It's weird, funny and yet to be remembered.

On the second day i saw him, some herbal tea and a pack of lozenges was all he gave me the next day, just to ease my cough, he said. That was nice of him. Should i open my heart a little?

On the third day - dinner. where did we go? just some usual fast food place... i remember him trying to hold my hands while we were just walking around.. a tingle in my heart and a sudden stop in my heartbeat. It's been awhile, I haven't had this feeling. Ah, what a feeling~

On the fourth day - how sweet of you, angel, to accompany me all the way there just to pass that thing to my friend. and to ignore calls from work. i think, perhaps, i might just open my heart a little more. i can see your sincerity...

On the fifth day - east coast park was fun. a refreshing time out... *grins to herself* I'm sorry, angel, to make you stay up till late just to accompany me. I know you're just too exhausted and furthermore, work on sunday...

And out of the sudden.. things took a 360 change. was it sincerity then? oh was it just a way to get me and throw me away? Like a used toy. I guess i'm starting to understand why i closed my heart in the first place.

i couldn't understand the coldness anymore. i couldn't fathom what is going through your mind. Oh god, just when i started to open my heart a little... things come crumbling, crushing the door and blocking my heart. Tears? No, there were none. I couldn't cry. I just couldn't.

Once again, i tried my very best to shut my heart. The doors didn't budge for those few days... I sat there, thinking and staring into thin air. Damnit!

Well, it's gonna be a short, painful memory to erase, somehow. It bugs me a little.

What shall I say to you, angel? I guess, all that can ever come out from me would be a short Thank You. For the sweet short memories, for the kindness you showed me once.

. blind date .

Let me see, an anonymous sms saying that Ray was too shy to ask me out. Fine, let's go out on Saturday night then, Ray, that anonymous fella (Kelvin) and me to St. James.

As expected, Ray is in MIA mode again. No biggie. To cancel the outing is fine with me, to proceed without Ray, it was fine with me too. *lolz* since i don't have people asking me out on Sat nights anywayz~ *grins*

kayz then, a blind date it was! gosh, nerve-wrecking and excited. what if he runs away when he sees me? what if i'm a disappointment during the first meet? what if i did not give a good impression? sighz~ gal oh gal! i'm just thinking too much~ hoho~

it was a good experience, knowing that this fella is a gentleman and it's hard not to notice how boyish looking he could be! *drools* oopz~ let me wipe the drool off!

dinner, or perhaps i should say, a light dinner at Barracks Diner, Dampsey Road.. one of his client's place. Love the menu they have there! Overall setting is not too bad, looks classy enough for me to not go there.. Well, i just can't afford such place! I guess? A glass of red wine in the restaurant and went to the outdoor seats for a smoke... And he claimed that i was growing a gold fish in my red wine. We talked a bit bout each others goals, life and dreams.. it was a good chat, though it gets a bit funny bout me sitting too far from him.. *grins*

Next stop? Sentosa! Cafe Del Mar at Siloso Beach! Heard it used to be one of the fav night spots in Singapore. But today, it was just.. dead? nonetheless, both of us were comfortably lying on those bed-sofa thingys.. looking up to the dark sky.. which were, just not having any blink of stars. only clouds were playing in the wind, changing shapes as the wind blew silently...

it was a good, relaxing blind date... never expected to give this sort of thing a try though..

imagine~ if we kissed? haha...

'nuff talk.. some stuff i took.. random pics, related to~ him! lolz lolz~

. Scarlet .

Thanks to all who came and surprised me! Love you all, as usual!!! =p

. desk mate oh! desk mate .

ever wondered, where has your desk mate gone to? or do you still remember the first day you walked into this strange classroom and picked a random person to sit next to?

or, your sad sad teacher thinks the class is too young to decide for themselves where to sit that she has to arrange seating for the students. pathetic.

wait, i'm talking about secondary school choices.

mine was, anywhere i cant sit! 3rd or 4th row i can't remember.. but how did i end up with this desk mate, i ain't so sure!

pathetic lil' me was kicked back into an all girl's school when i was 16. mum said it was due to me being 'uncooperative'. heck! it was called rebellious! mummy doesn't know it, i assume.

2 years in that particular school. nothing could stop me from playing truant with studies, only volleyball and friends.

End of story right after graduating from that school. Thank God!

What made me suddenly talk about this topic anyway? What was the point here, hello?

Right! The very first X'mas card. from my old desk mate in that girl's school! Holy cow! Amazingly, no one bothered to send anything to me. First, I wasn't really bothered. What bothered me then? Seeing her card and the feeling of almost wanted to slap mylsef came. Why didn't i post back? Ain't too sure. The usual procrastinating, till it was X'mas no more. Then, the need of sending the card was not there.

The card still came! After a few years. OMG! I can't believe it.

Then there was Friendster and MSN. Then the contact was there.

Till today.

Kalaiarasi.

^^

Thanks for the good chat. For the good ol' memories of us being desk mates. The squabble over a small thing and the cold war. Who broke the silence? It was funny and childish, yet it was a damn good memory.

The statement 'we all have the same thing! what differs is the size and color!'

*LOL*

Definitely a good one! Why hadn't I thought about that?!

It's good to know she's doing well and adapting to life's changes. It feels so homely now. Though i might be in Singapore at the moment.

It's good to know that someone still cares about you even if it didn't occur to you to send a small note of thanks.

. lingering thoughts .

i just read your msn message.

it hurts a lot, ever since i told myself that i would let it go. it just feels unfair for me, at the mean time.

=.=||

what the heck am i thinking anyway?

thank God it was raining... at least it didn't show it was tears or raindrops on my face... never wanted to show you the crying side of me..

though it's not meant for me...but i've already seen you crying,Kiam Tat, long long time ago, once upon a time at the playground behind my house...it hurts me so to still see it in my memories..

for the first time you showed me the face of a crying boy...for the first time you showed me what was love and security.

then you took it away from me...

sighz.. i guess i will never understand how you feel now.. it doesn't really matter a lot too me now...

let me try to let it ALL go...

how true it is, first love just doesn't die as fast as you expect...

my current love?

....... having doubts......