. so how am i? .

So, I have not been here loyal enough to even bother. To not bother about telling people how I felt today, or just now while i was having my lunch break, or even about yesterday, when I felt I was gonna crumble again into pieces. I did not even bother about sharing my little moments, or little highlights in my day, my week, my month, or even at least - my year.


I like to hang upon my memories - to help me relive those moments and to help provide support and encouragement for me to go on. Really, was it so important for me to keep clinging onto my past? I used to blog and blog, till all the cows come home and yet, i did not feel any satisfaction. I felt more depressed. My emotions were so strong it took over me and gave me a soul i could feel and create. (the irony of being depressed)


Now, i'm soulless, still searching for that little puzzle that could help put me back together as a whole again. I chose to turn my emotions off and to be numb of all situations that could make me cry my heart out, laugh my tears out and screamed till i felt dizzy. None. I couldn't feel anything at all, because i chose to.


Lately, i've been attending this training where i thought "it's just another training to help me in my career and to lead me to where i want to go". But where do i really want to go? i did not even bother deciphering that thought. I left it there - "where i want to go". Where was my destination? Why do i want to go there? How am i getting there?


Wrong. i was so wrong. I was in for a huge surprise - a training which i simply could not understand at first. I got nervous and started to panic, realizing that i wasn't doing well at all. I questioned myself again and again - where did i go wrong? why couldn't i make it work? why am i so weak? I did not cry, i did not laugh, i did not feel anything but nervous energy sucking up and surrounding me in whole. I couldn't breathe at all. 


I felt like i could die just feeling like that - died as a nobody and lived a nobody's life. 


Was that what i wanted? NO.


I was more than that. I had the courage but chose not to use it. I had the capability but chose to shun it away, afraid that i would hurt myself in the learning process. I had the real me hidden inside. Who is the real me? I'm a selfish person who would not bother what people thought of me. I rather walk, eat and run alone than having to beg for a companion. I'm comfortable in seeing people coming and leaving my life. I don't like blending in for the sake of pleasing others. I will laugh till my tears roll down and will cry as if my life depended on it. I am who i am. 


Why did I choose to deny my true self throughout these years?  Because i was afraid of being judged and seen as weird person.Or perhaps to the extend of a crazy woman.*faints*


Another month to go for this training. Whether i do well or not, to me at the moment, did not matter. As long as i can tell myself and pat myself on the back - "you did great mel."

. 说不出的悲伤 .

那个书桌，我肯定不会拿走，就让它在哪儿度过一辈子吧。。那个书桌的回忆，太令人伤心。。

刻着的歌词，也属于4年前4月2日的痛。原来回忆是那么痛苦、难忘的。。
都不知流了多少夜的泪、喝了不知多少的酒~写下这些的时候，也刚是他离开我的第三个星期六。。不，是他背叛我的第三个星期六。。
 

这是你离开的第三个星期六
面包我吃了两口
啤酒还剩半升
香烟我还是一包接一包地抽
你搬走了以后
我还会常常在你住的公寓底下
等你下楼

现在是凌晨三点钟
喝了点酒头有点痛
寂寞的烟点燃空虚的夜
暂时把心放空
你晾的床单忘了收
没烫的衬衫有点皱
明天开始我将如何面对
没有你的以后

在家里还留着你的衣服和散不掉的熟悉味道。。。

那些美好的画面反复在播送
但心破碎了之后
要怎么去拼凑
baby baby
love can be so beautiful
只怪那一刻
话说得太重
所有的情节都失控
baby baby
love should be so beautiful
你给的太多
现在我才懂
只有烟和酒陪伴的
凌晨三点钟 
 

对不起，是我给得太多。。是我让自己投入你所谓的幸福里。。我们，真的有幸福过吗？
 

现在是凌晨三点钟
喝了点酒头有点痛
你晾的床单忘了收
没烫的衬衫有点皱
明天开始我将如何面对
没有你的以后 
 

你的另一个她又开始向我炫耀你们的爱。。。sorry babe, i don't think i need to know.. you may keep it for yourself..

六个月后的那年。。你们俩把我当成垃圾桶~~就因为她终于要正式结婚了而他没了她。。
 

凌乱的房间里头
还留着你的香味
怎么也戒不掉你独特的笑容
如果时钟倒着走
我不会再让你走
有些事情要绝望到底
才能看得透

果然，好马不吃回头草。。但，我不是一匹好马。。。结果啊~~~现在伤了自己。。。
怎么收拾？

. a song .

Dear Mumu~
Once again, let me dedicate this song to you.. it might not be you, it might not be anyone.

Then again, let me just share this with you... just because, it reminds me of you, in some way...

Why am I missing you still?

纪念
想念变成一条线
在时间里面蔓延
长得可以把世界切成了两个面
他在春天那一边
你的秋天刚落叶 刚落叶
如果从此不见面
让你凭记忆想念
本来这段爱情可以记得很完美
他的样子已改变
有新伴侣的气味 的气味
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
也许那一次见面
是生命给你机会
了解爱只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望会改变
他的爱已经不见 已不见
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
那一瞬间 你终于发现
心中的爱和思念
都只是属于自己 曾经拥有过
曾经拥有过 曾经拥有过 的纪念

. KTM ride back .

Sometimes i dread the day of leaving KL and getting back to Singapore...

My third time in riding back by KTM's night train. Bunker style!

. marriage .

it's sometimes so sad to see wedded couples split.. especially when both are your friends.

*sighs*

it takes me into a darker side of my thoughts.. that marriage scares me and all these.

commitment.. trust, sincerity and care.

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live

lies? or a fall through of commitment. too many people around me ...

relationships falling apart.

where then has 'unconditional love' gone to? was there even such existence?

looking at some old couples I pass by. arms around each other. that beautiful smile or just a simple nod, shows much sincerity and love. so much envy filling inside of me.

which then i start to doubt myself and that future us.

if all sorrows and pain can be washed away from our memories by alcohol. i shall then embrace the love for alcohol and indulge in those moments.... never looking at sorrow and pain. what will life be then?

how i wish....and still know that life will never be the same...