. xmas memory .

Here it goes again...

X'mas carols singing through the atmosphere, x'mas gifts displayed.. waiting to be bought and to be given on that special day. Why am i the only one who looks as if xmas is a bad omen?

Once again i'm left with straying thoughts...

All but one vivid thought, one vivid memory.. What would have happened to us, if that thing never happened to you?

7 years ago.. we were happily on the phone, anticipating the time to meet each other in KL. And you, who did everything secretly for me all those times.

2 weeks before that Christmas, you promised me that you'll be in KL. Just to celebrate our first x'mas, just to tell me face to face, how and what you felt... I waited nervously, the first and last ever gift that i had to think more than twice before i got it for you..

7 days left before xmas.. how was i to know, that phone call from him, your best friend, telling me this news? It took you away from me forever, leaving a scar so deep and a pain that burned through my heart. How could you leave me without an answer? Why?

Too traumatized by the whole news, all i could hear in my ears, through the phone, was "internal bleeding, bled too much.." and the next minute, you left me.. forever. Tears, and more tears..

I will never forgive you, for leaving me alone... I will never forgive you, for not fulfilling your promise.

Where am i to go now? Who shall i give the gift to?

7 years has passed, that little unwrapped gift is still with me...

I miss you, my dear angel.. i just wished, i could see you one last time before you left me..

. a song .

Dear Mumu~
Once again, let me dedicate this song to you.. it might not be you, it might not be anyone.

Then again, let me just share this with you... just because, it reminds me of you, in some way...

Why am I missing you still?

纪念
想念变成一条线
在时间里面蔓延
长得可以把世界切成了两个面
他在春天那一边
你的秋天刚落叶 刚落叶
如果从此不见面
让你凭记忆想念
本来这段爱情可以记得很完美
他的样子已改变
有新伴侣的气味 的气味
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
也许那一次见面
是生命给你机会
了解爱只是人所渴望的投射面
只是渴望会改变
他的爱已经不见 已不见
那一瞬间 你终于发现
那曾深爱过的人 (嗯)~~
早在告别的那天
已消失在这个世界
那一瞬间 你终于发现
心中的爱和思念
都只是属于自己 曾经拥有过
曾经拥有过 曾经拥有过 的纪念

It's a week left for me here in this little island...

It's been 13 months since i stepped foot on this little place and sought for my dreams... and yet, I've achieved none.

感觉有点失败～

however, there were so many memories; a bitter sweet symphony i shall say..

Let me count the ways i've grown since I came here. I've learnt that working life isn't as easy as I thought, more or less, working and living alone in a foreign country. Though it may seem similiar to the city i've grown up for the past 22 years.. the culture, thoughts and life is definitely different. People here are more aware of your capability and they tend to be afraid of you, thus, there comes the ill-spoken words coming from them...

I've learnt to be more relaxed and discipline. Knowing what to do, and what not to do. I've become a more complex person in ways that I've never known. Shunning from all posible feelings that may lead me to depression.

This does sound bad... *laughs*

Since August 08, I've been drinking much more than i could imagine, compared to the past few years. Everyday since that month till now, alcohol has become my best friend and my sleeping pill. Why the sudden change in habit? I've no idea. Perhaps, I just enjoy the entertainment, the life I've never had, the freedom. Of course, having such free life definitely pays. Haha~ Lack of sleep!*grins*

当然，最令我伤心的事，仍然就是因为自己不小心把心打开了。。

Somehow, I could remember vividly still. He came up and just smiled. Someone I've never seen for all the months i've been working here.

The 6th floor guy, i shall name him. Perhaps, my angel?

One the first day - I realised that he actually notices me from before i changed my hairstyle. To be exact, since august till now...Too many sweet words, too much care and sincerity that he gave me the next day. It's weird, funny and yet to be remembered.

On the second day i saw him, some herbal tea and a pack of lozenges was all he gave me the next day, just to ease my cough, he said. That was nice of him. Should i open my heart a little?

On the third day - dinner. where did we go? just some usual fast food place... i remember him trying to hold my hands while we were just walking around.. a tingle in my heart and a sudden stop in my heartbeat. It's been awhile, I haven't had this feeling. Ah, what a feeling~

On the fourth day - how sweet of you, angel, to accompany me all the way there just to pass that thing to my friend. and to ignore calls from work. i think, perhaps, i might just open my heart a little more. i can see your sincerity...

On the fifth day - east coast park was fun. a refreshing time out... *grins to herself* I'm sorry, angel, to make you stay up till late just to accompany me. I know you're just too exhausted and furthermore, work on sunday...

And out of the sudden.. things took a 360 change. was it sincerity then? oh was it just a way to get me and throw me away? Like a used toy. I guess i'm starting to understand why i closed my heart in the first place.

i couldn't understand the coldness anymore. i couldn't fathom what is going through your mind. Oh god, just when i started to open my heart a little... things come crumbling, crushing the door and blocking my heart. Tears? No, there were none. I couldn't cry. I just couldn't.

Once again, i tried my very best to shut my heart. The doors didn't budge for those few days... I sat there, thinking and staring into thin air. Damnit!

Well, it's gonna be a short, painful memory to erase, somehow. It bugs me a little.

What shall I say to you, angel? I guess, all that can ever come out from me would be a short Thank You. For the sweet short memories, for the kindness you showed me once.

. blind date .

Let me see, an anonymous sms saying that Ray was too shy to ask me out. Fine, let's go out on Saturday night then, Ray, that anonymous fella (Kelvin) and me to St. James.

As expected, Ray is in MIA mode again. No biggie. To cancel the outing is fine with me, to proceed without Ray, it was fine with me too. *lolz* since i don't have people asking me out on Sat nights anywayz~ *grins*

kayz then, a blind date it was! gosh, nerve-wrecking and excited. what if he runs away when he sees me? what if i'm a disappointment during the first meet? what if i did not give a good impression? sighz~ gal oh gal! i'm just thinking too much~ hoho~

it was a good experience, knowing that this fella is a gentleman and it's hard not to notice how boyish looking he could be! *drools* oopz~ let me wipe the drool off!

dinner, or perhaps i should say, a light dinner at Barracks Diner, Dampsey Road.. one of his client's place. Love the menu they have there! Overall setting is not too bad, looks classy enough for me to not go there.. Well, i just can't afford such place! I guess? A glass of red wine in the restaurant and went to the outdoor seats for a smoke... And he claimed that i was growing a gold fish in my red wine. We talked a bit bout each others goals, life and dreams.. it was a good chat, though it gets a bit funny bout me sitting too far from him.. *grins*

Next stop? Sentosa! Cafe Del Mar at Siloso Beach! Heard it used to be one of the fav night spots in Singapore. But today, it was just.. dead? nonetheless, both of us were comfortably lying on those bed-sofa thingys.. looking up to the dark sky.. which were, just not having any blink of stars. only clouds were playing in the wind, changing shapes as the wind blew silently...

it was a good, relaxing blind date... never expected to give this sort of thing a try though..

imagine~ if we kissed? haha...

'nuff talk.. some stuff i took.. random pics, related to~ him! lolz lolz~

. if we kissed .

What would happen if we kissed?

Would your tongue slip past my lips?

Would you run away?

Would you stay?

Or would I melt into you?

Mouth to mouth, lust to lust,

Spontaneously combust...